It’s a funny old game.
I guess some people would argue as I haven’t been on TONNES of dates myself I’m in no position to give advice. However, as I am notorious for bagging only males who stick around for a very long time, I’d beg to differ. I have obviously done something right.
And, with the global dating situation in its current turmoil, I figured the best gift I could give to the world is my learned advice.
The first lesson I’m willing to give is: how do you know when the man you’re dating isn’t human … but a werewolf?
1) The biggest tells always fall around the full moon:
– does he always avoid dates when the lunar lantern is full?
– does his usually deep laughter heighten in pitch at the end and linger?
– does he have a tendency to scratch his ear with his big toe?
– does your pet rabbit quiver in fear and c*** itself when your boyfriend smiles at it?
2) Check for unusual strength:
– can he lift you with one hand?
– in fact, can he lift most things with one hand?
3) Physical attributes:
– does he have big feet?
– do you end up in A&E (E.R.) from merely patting him on the shoulder?
– does he eclipse you whenever he’s at your side?
– can you play Kumbayah on his ribcage with a glockenspiel baton?
– does he have hairs on the palms of his hands? Nah, I’m just kidding—that one’s a myth!
– dude, how well can he growl?
– does his skin look … um … tight when he gets mad?
4) Dodgy habits:
– does he prefer to sleep at the foot of the bed?
– and if you answer yes to that one, how many times does he turn on the spot before he settles?
– when he hugs you, is it mostly from behind? *stare*
– does he have a favourite toy that he won’t let you play with?
– is his favourite song, Born to be Wild?
– does he get excited when the postman arrives?
– does he always eat his steak rare?
Okay, so those’re the most common signs.
If you answered yes to at least two from each category then, girlfriend, the chances are you’re dating a werewolf.
Hold onto him (like you have a choice). He’s a keeper. And by that, I mean, no way in hell will he let you go.
Though … I guess the biggest question on the lips of females across the globe is: Um … does he have a brother?
How about anyone else? You got any tips for recognising when your date ain’t quite right?